Not Who I Used To Be
by explosionsintheskyxx
Summary: Sirius and Remus try to rekindle their relationship after 14 years. Complications arise since Remus spent 14 years carefully building walls around his heart. Sirius tries to show him what living life and love is about again. SBRL.


So here it is. Chapter 2 will be up really soon, I've already started it. This first chapter is more angsty, but we get more Sirius/Remus love in the later chapters.

**Summary**: Remus and Sirius try to rekindle their relationship after 14 years of being apart. Sirius wants things to be like they were when they were young, but Remus, is only concerned with hiding his emotions and guarding himself. Can Sirius break him out of his shell and help him to live life again? SBRL. Angsty and such. Read and review.

**Chapter 1 **

The old door creaked open. Remus, lying weary and tired on the bed, did not venture to look at who was intruding into the bedroom. He did not need too. The full moon was only last night. He still had the wolf's good sense of smell, even though it was fading with the December sunlight. He knew that smell.

So he was not surprised as Sirius Black settled onto the bed beside him. Remus looked over at his companion. Sirius reached over and stroked Remus' cheek softly with the back of his hand. Remus felt the warmth from his hand spread all the way through his body. Sirius was the only person who could touch him lightly and make Remus feel as though he were on fire. He suddenly withdrew his comforting touch.

"What is becoming of us, Remus?" he asked softly. Remus closed his eyes. His body was so worn down and tired, and his mind was beginning to catch up. "It's not how it was before… we aren't how we were before…" he said sadly, his voice breaking. Remus blinked with his gold eyes, and opened his mouth hesitantly, pondering whether or not he should answer truthfully. He turned his head away from Sirius and looked over to the window.

"You're getting tired of me," Remus spoke heavily, as he watched the red sun lower steadily through the sky. Sirius tensed, and Remus felt his body go rigid, as they lay there in their bed, side by side. Dark red light flooded the room ominously, throwing the corners into shadows. Remus lifted his hand and examined the way that the light made his pale skin look as though flames were dancing upon it, as if Sirius had really lit fire to his skin with his touch.

"No, of course not. That's not it…" Sirius murmured, shivering slightly. Remus wondered whether his shaking was brought about by the abruptness of his statement, or whether the December chill was settling down upon Sirius' body. Remus felt the cold permeate his own shabby robes, but did not flinch. He was used to cold. His robes were never friendly to his body during the winter months.

"Then what is it?" Remus asked, pulling his vision away from the blood red sun, and resting his eyes again on Sirius' face. Sirius furrowed his brows in thought and concentration, and Remus was once again shocked to see the many wrinkles littered across Sirius' handsome face. He looked so much older than Remus previously remembered him, when they were still barely out of school. He wasn't one to talk, however. His lycanthropy and lack of income had aged his face considerably also.

"You're just so different now…" Sirius whispered. He pressed his body deeper into the bed, as if wishing to melt right through it. Remus stared at him attentively with his liquid gold eyes, as if trying to see if this was what Sirius really thought. Sirius squirmed uncomfortably under his gaze, and would not meet it.

"Oh? How so?" Remus asked, trying hard to keep the sadness and fear out of his voice. He had lost so many things during his life. He had already lost Sirius once, and it almost killed him. He couldn't imagine trying to do it all over again.

"It's that… you aren't how I remember you. You were always cautious and careful and such, but you still had fun. We always enjoyed each other's company. I barely see you even smile anymore," Sirius was breathing heavily, and continued to stare at the ceiling. "When you do smile, it's pained, and stressed… sometimes I think you forgot what it's like to really smile," he finished, finally looking at Remus. Sirius grimaced as he found the hurt look in Remus' eyes. In an instant, the eyes glazed over, and adapted a blank look. The werewolf shrugged.

"We aren't at school anymore, Sirius. I know I've changed. So many things have happened since you've been gone. I haven't found much to smile about," Remus said solemnly, as he reached over and intertwined his fingers in Sirius'. Sirius smiled a little, relieved that Remus was not angry with him.

"I know that. It's difficult to try to just pick up a romance that was put on hiatus for 14 years… especially when you tried your hardest to forget me…" Sirius trailed off, dropping his eyes to the ratty blue blanket they were laying on. Remus felt vaguely guilty for spending all that time pushing his former love from his mind. But then he hastily reminded himself that no one knew of Sirius' innocence, and it wasn't his fault.

He sighed. He knew what Sirius was saying was true. He had asked him to move into his Grimmauld Place with him, and he had been living there with him for almost a year now. They had grown comfortable around each other, grown to accept each other's living habits. But it wasn't like it was when they were in school. They said they loved each other, and there was not a doubt in Remus' mind that he did. Remus was just so tired from life now. He remembered how it was when they were young. They couldn't stand to be away from each other for a second. They were always reaching for each other in the dark. They were always laughing, and dancing. They drank and smiled, and thought that the only thing that mattered in the world was their love.

Remus couldn't help thinking that they were complete fools back then.

"I'm sorry Sirius. I just can't recall that passion for life that I once had," Remus said sadly, turning back to the window and watching the sun still lowering through the sky.

"And what about your passion for me?" Sirius asked quietly, staring down at his fingers interlocked in Remus'.

Remus did not respond. He kept his gaze locked with the last bits of sunlight as the sun glided gracefully beneath the landscape. He could not trust himself to speak. It wasn't Sirius' fault that he could no longer see the color in life anymore. He had let himself become too jaded, too apathetic to everything. It was always his favorite defense mechanism. If he didn't feel anything, nothing could hurt him.

He just never imagined that it could backfire like this. He didn't think that in his own venture to protect himself from pain, he would be hurting the person he cared about most.

Sirius realizing that he would not get an answer to his question and exhaled loudly, tearing his fingers out of Remus' grasp. Remus felt him slide off the bed quietly, but could not turn to face him. Sirius shuffled across the dark room and slammed the door as he exited, leaving Remus in the dark room, with only his harsh breathing to accompany him.

Remus wanted to chase after him, grab him, and kiss him forcefully on the mouth and tell him that nothing in the world mattered but their love. He wanted to yell and throw things on the ground in frustration and self-loathing. He wanted to curl up into a ball and cry for the rest of the night.

But he couldn't do any of these things. He wanted too, but he simply couldn't. It'd been too long since he'd kissed another with the fiery passion he and Sirius used to share. He had always kept his composure in any situation, and never lost his temper. And he hadn't shed a tear since James and Lily died. There was simply no point to crying over things anymore. He forgot how it felt to do those things. He would rather push his feelings to the back of his mind and body, pretending they didn't exist. It was a much simpler way to exist.

He couldn't be the same Remus Lupin that Sirius wanted and needed. All that was left was this shell of a person that went by the same name, and wore Remus Lupin's clothes. He couldn't wear his emotions on his sleeve like Sirius always had. The stress of honesty and the threat of heartbreak was too much for him.

So he had fashioned himself a dark little cell of emotional entrapment, designed to protect him from the rest of the world.

No one, not even Sirius could break him out of that cell.

Remus silently watched the sun finally disappear behind distant mountains, and wished he could simply disappear from sight also.


End file.
